Remember that episode of Friends where Chandler tells Rachel she needs to quit her job so she can experience ‘The Fear’? Yeah, that.
I’m well and truly feeling THE FEAR at the moment, and until very recently I couldn’t find a way out. I was drowning in work-based responsibilities (working two jobs and not having an actual day off ever gets a bit draining, y’know?); my newly bought house was falling to bits around me as I shambled about with a wallpaper steamer; my blog, my extra-curriculars and my Masters Degree were put on hold as I got stuck in a rut of depression, self-loathing and Mini Rolls. It got to the stage where the very idea of *gasp!* seeing my boyfriend and *bigger gasp!* actually going out for tea(!!) was the most exciting thing I could comprehend. I’d work myself up daydreaming about actually sitting down with a menu and no time limit. Putting on shoes that weren’t my work shoes was a Big Deal. Walking my dog was a luxury I had to pay someone else to do.
This post isn’t going to take a 360 and state that I quit my jobs, sold my house, packed up a little bag of clean knickers and a KitKat and flew to Thailand to discover myself in an animal sanctuary (a literal dream I had the other night and was most disappointed to wake up from). Nah, didn’t do any of that – I’m still working 7 days, still locked in battle with the Wallpaper Steamer of Doom and the Hallway of Agony (basically my hallway. And a wallpaper steamer. You probably got that already).
Now I’m sitting at my kitchen table – which hasn’t got any actual rubbish on it for the first time in weeks – with my dog (who’s actually standing on the table despite my plaintive urges for her to sit in her bed like a normal animal), and I’m writing a blog post. And I have a little to-do list next to me. And some pastel highlighter pens, ’cause, you know, fancy. I’ve actually put a bra on today (hooray!). I’m wearing lipstick, and not a kids Frozen lip balm that I got for 40p in a charity shop because it had Olaf on it, and he was smiling, and I got emotional.
A couple of weeks ago, Old English Company got in touch and offered to send me some little bits and pieces. I had a little browse (pretending that I don’t stalk their website/instagram/twitter/blog religiously and have a wishlist already, sneaky ey?) and settled on THE MOST MOTIVATIONAL THINGS I COULD FIND.
I love a good inspirational quote. I stan little inspirational enamel pin badges (did I use ‘stan’ right? I don’t understand it. I’ve never felt older). Sticking this beautiful gold “Go Get ‘Em” tiger pin to my bag made me actually want to go get ’em. The quote “grow through what you go through” made me and my mum have a little wishful discussion about getting through life, taking everything as it comes and rolling with it. I’m saving this pin for my the first outing of my brand new denim jacket (which I can’t wear til ice-cream season is over because ya girl spills).
I decided I was just going to go with it. Accept that yeah, for now, I have to work all these hours. I can afford groceries, I can afford ridiculous amounts of rabbit treats for my two furry hoovers. I CAN do anything I set my mind to. I’ve never really believed in myself as much as I do now. Of course, an inspirational quote or a cute pin can’t really change your entire mindset, but I totally believe the messages they portray can.
I’m surrounding myself with productivity, happiness, inspiration, motivation. I’m trying to take criticism on board and not cry into my pillow, waking up six hours later looking like an actual carrier bag.
I am finding a way out – taking my medication, writing things down, reading, doing things I enjoy. Am I still wiped out by 9pm and begging my boyfriend not to watch an episode of “House”, just to tuck me in? Yes. Do I wake up at 6:30 and wish I was still in Dream-Thailand drinking out of a coconut? Yes, although I genuinely feel like drinking out of a coconut would make me bork. But now I’m writing again – some of my favourite posts have been produced as the product of a last-minute Slimfast shake and a ten minute break between jobs (Why I’ll Never Be a ‘Proper’ Fashion Blogger, for example, which I may have written in the bath). I’m spending quality time with James, who is an actual superhero for putting up with me lately. I’ve pushed through my anxiety enough to hang out with friends, to ask for more responsibilities, to be ME.
Has anyone else felt this way? How did you get through? Let’s share some tips and have a little chat in the comments, or you can hit me up on Twitter @little_budget for a proper chinwag.