“Sally,” you might be asking, if you actually know that’s my name (because I’ve got no bloody idea how to put one of those cute selfies with a lil bio that says something along the lines of ‘coffee, cats, cake’ or ‘lover of life!’ on the right hand side of my blog).
“Sally, where have you been?”
“I’ve been napping for six hours a day,” I would answer, should you ask me that question, “and not leaving my house unless absolutely necessary!” I’d give you a big, unconvincing smile (I’m really good at those; you just need to be dead behind the eyes) and you’d probably feel a bit uncomfy and leave me alone.
Ya girl has been THROUGH IT, if I’m being honest. You might have noticed that I’ve disappeared off the face of the internet, save for a few choice retweets of Mamma Mia memes (say that ten times fast) that I broke my self-imposed internet ban to enjoy. To keep you in the loop, I was signed off work for a month (because it’s not actually normal to full on ugly cry if someone politely asks ‘how are you?’), had a good ol’ early-twenties breakdown (think actual sliding-down-the-wall crying because I dropped a fork in my washing up water and it splashed me), was broken up with, and then made redundant. It’s been FAB.
I’ve decided I’m not having it, so there. I’ve got two months left of being 23, and, sorry 23, but it’s been horrendous. I’m determined to make the last two months of being 23 the best, most exciting, happy, self-love-y (that’s not a word, but you get the gist) months of my life. Without, you know, going on holiday or anything, because I don’t have a passport or anyone to babysit my dogs.
So here’s 24 things I want to do before I’m 24. It can’t come soon enough.
- Delete the Facebook app. I’ve actually cheated here a bit ’cause I’ve already done this. I’ve still got an account – mainly so my sister can tag me in obscure posts and I can snort Pepsi Max out of my nose on the bus – but getting rid of the actual app on my phone has saved me from countless hours scrolling down my feed, watching as everyone from my year at school is getting married, having babies, coming out, moving abroad, being hideously insensitively racist or sexist, and generally making me want to scratch my eyes out.
- Re-start my Masters Degree. Have I been utilising the iTunes U app and swotting up on all sorts of topics to prepare for my upcoming return to education, and finding I actually have a little spark of interest for subjects like politics in the media? Yes, as long as I’ve got a little bag of chocolate buttons to keep my strength up.
- Learn how to do my own eyebrows. Mate, I’m sick of paying out my precious funds for a lady (admittedly a really lovely one) to rip out my eyebrows regularly.
- Read 20 books. I was that kid who was given the Lord of the Rings trilogy to finish in Year 5 with a triumphant, “you’ll never finish that!” when I’d worked my way round every single book in the school, like Matilda, but with a really really bad fringe. Give me a pile of books and two months and watch me go.
- Focus on my blog. The time I’ve been given by losing one of my jobs can be used for internet purposes, which sounds like I’m a webcam model. I’m not. Nobody wants to watch me sitting in my pants eating Cheesy Wotsits and singing the Wicked soundtrack to my dogs.
- Speaking of Wicked, go and see Wicked. I think I deserve a little treat, and having only seen Wicked once, (I’m sorry to say I thought it would be overrated – I was very, very wrong) I’m ready to go again. I’ll try not to cry this time.
- Watch a LOT of documentaries – and not just animal ones. I love animal documentaries, even if I cried once because two albatrosses were cuddling up together and had been together for TEN YEARS. Relationship goals.
- Sort out my wardrobe. Although I haven’t been a size ten since I was about fourteen and living on a diet of hysterical anxiety, there’s an awful lot of sneaky little size ten clothes lurking in my wardrobe. Bye.
- Find a new hobby. Wailing along to musical soundtracks and trying to colour inside the lines of my Pokemon colouring book are acceptable hobbies, yes?
- Do something with my hair. I’m BORED. Suggestions welcome.
- Grow my nails. I bit my nails the second my first tooth came through and haven’t stopped since. It’s gross, and I really need to stop.
- Wallpaper my hall. I’m determined to do it myself, and have got a little supply of paper and paste and rollers and stuff. I just have NO idea how to do it. Will it go wrong? Probably. Does it need doing anyway? Absolutely.
- Go to the cinema by myself. This is sort of like a little indicator of my mental state – can I get a bus to town? Can I walk up to the cinema? Can I resist the urge to get an extra-large salted popcorn, vanilla pepsi and bag of Minstrels (absolutely not)? Can I concentrate on the film without wriggling around like a hysterical eel?
- Write more. The more I write, the more I remember how much I used to love it.
- Donate to charity. All those cheeky little size tens hanging out in my wardrobe? Charity bag. Old Christmas presents from well-meaning but extremely misled family members? Charity bag. My dog? Charity bag, if she doesn’t stop weeing on my carpet.
- Catch up on My Dad Wrote a Porno. Yes, I’m putting this on my list. If you haven’t listened to this podcast, you NEED TO. Preferably not with your family members, although me and my mum actually used to listen to it as she took me to work, and laugh so much that it was probably a risk to other road users.
- Experiment with a bullet journal. Although I’ve actually bought the physical journal, I’ve been putting this off. I’m terrified of messing it up or misspelling something and having to rip a page out.
- Start cooking properly again. I’m an experimental cook (a phrase which here means “flings spring onions into everything and over-cooks Quorn”), but ahve been miserably surviving on ready meals and snack food.
- Go cruelty-free with my beauty products. No excuse.
- Sort out my YouTube subscriptions. I’m sick of scrolling past YouTubers I grew out of when I was fifteen who I can’t be bothered to unsubscribe from (three guesses who that might be)…
- Reach out more. Unfortunately, I’m one of those annoying people who whines about “having no friends”. I’m a liar – I do have friends, I just don’t know what to do with them, or what to say, or how to reach out. That needs to change, asap, ’cause I don’t know if it’s a bit sad to go to Pizza Hut by yourself.
- Up my Instagram. I’ve been fiddling about with photography and flatlays and actually beginning to enjoy it. Also I’m ignoring the fact that I lose roughly forty thousand followers every day. I’m kidding. I can’t get past 2k.
- Do more. Spending three days horizontal, playing Harvest Moon on my old Nintendo Wii and getting emotionally invested in my crops, animals, wife and child is all very well, but not when I’m also not eating real food (I actually ordered a giant takeaway pizza and spread it out so it lasted three days, and I’m rightfully ashamed), going outside or wearing actual clothes instead of pyjamas.
- Go easy on myself. I’m a master of self-deprecation (can you tell?!) and I need to be a bit nicer. I’m not all bad.
Have I just written over 1300 words? Yep. Kudos if you read all of it. This marks my tentative return to my blog and the internet as a whole – hooray! You can have a chat with me on Twitter @little_budget and let me know what your goals for this year are!